I have a confession to make. I've kept a dirty secret from
you friends for some time and unless your on the inside of the group or you've
been intimately close to me, you don't really know about it. Guess what,
I'm gonna step out and talk about it and tell you why I'm leaving it
behind.
For about six years, I've been on a site called Fetlife. An
online community you go to in order to connect with "like minded"
individuals and talk about the things you need to get your rocks off.
For a time, it was fun to talk about and explore what I wanted out
of a naughty life. I used to be fairly well known by the members of the
community as I was for being The Goth Music Journalist or more recently as the
Master of Ceremonies for some of the local tattoo expos. On there,
I was the reigning king of Anal Sex discussions. I was even moderator for
the local Anal Sex discussion group.
No seriously... I ran the damn forum!
My profile was so filled up with anal sex memes that people would
subscribe just to see what new one I would come up with (no pun intended).
However, over the last few years and actually more recently in the
last few months, I've felt a disconnect with myself and my good hearted
intentions by perusing that site. I logged in to the site because I felt
a deep abiding sense of loneliness that needed some form of validation and
healing. I logged into the site because I had hoped to find a partner
(one hoped for life) on there that we could share common interests with.
(Butt will you love me tomorrow?)
I found a large amount of men who wanted to flash their
genitalia to women in hopes that their rather massive, gigantic, titanic, STAR
DESTROYING penises would hopefully attract another lonely and desperate female.
After all they'd reason, women just want giant cocks... Not personality...
The women I did find, by and large were already in a
relationship... More often than not in a poly amorous circle. Usually a
hard definition poly circle where everyone knows about the circle, everyone
agrees to the set partners in the circle, and no one is supposed to stray out
of the circle without all parties knowing and agreeing to it.
I also found a fair amount of drama from people not obeying the
rules of the circle.
What few single women I did find, were not interested in a single
fat "Switch".
A switch, by definition, is someone who can play both the Dominant
and Submissive roles of BDSM role play. I am... A switch. I can
trade up depending on the night or even the situation.
You can read all about it on Wikipedia here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Switch_%28BDSM%29
You see "Switches", at least in my experience, are some
of the least desired roles within the BDSM kink scene. Because we trade
up, no one knows where to put us. Single submissive women don't want a
possible sub, not when the gigantic COCK LORD DOM happens to be lurking
about.
And there are SO MANY of the Cock Lord Doms that populate that
site. Dom for the uneducated is the Dominant role of the BDSM role
play.
I got a girlfriend, off and on, through my journey being on
Fetlife. What I always found most entertaining was when I had a
girlfriend, and we'd break up, usually I'd find that she'd have been on Fetlife
the whole time and in fact had been advertising herself as either single or
"In an open relationship" without ever changing a thing for
years.
Or more entertainingly... They will be "Owned and
Collared" by some douche canoe Dom who has a million women he has
"Owned and Collared" because he's a Pro-Dom (Professional Dom). He
gets paid to collar and own women, smack them with utensils, and twist their
nipples. Alright then... You lovely Ex-Girlfriends can have that...
And all that comes with it.
I always know when things fall apart and something has gone
horrifically wrong because in the end... I always hear the inevitable "I
miss you..."
"I miss you" is that glorious sound every Ex gives me
when they suddenly find out that the thing they tried to replace me with, that
bright shiny amazing thing, just isn't what it was cracked up to be. That
the man, or woman, I was replaced with ended up being a mortal human full of
baggage and issues just like me after all.
And nothing says "Pathetic" quite like an email with an
avatar profile of naked breasts and stomach with the heading "I miss
you" and a message body that consists of "I'm sorry and I love you
still.."
I digress...
Recently... I've really been thinking about my time on Fetlife and
pondering "What is this really doing for me?" Recently, Russel
Brand talked about the effects that Porn has on people and its negative impact
on self image and sexuality. You can hear it
right here:
His premise is that Porn, and watching Porn, negatively impacts
us. And what is entertaining to me about this, is how much flack he (a
very liberal advocate of Gay Rights and Workers Rights) is getting lambasted
over his outlook about Porn.
And this is where I realize that I'm using Fetlife as my
porn...
Sitting here, perusing discussions about Anal Sex, Cunnilingus,
Fellatio, Feather Tickling, and what have you... I find myself disconnecting
with the larger sense of reality and I find myself disconnecting with
myself.
Perusing pictures in the "Kinky and Popular" section, I
find myself when I am alone NOT FEELING CONNECTED with people. When I sit
and gawk at pictures of women, no matter how attractive or (ahem) average they
may me, I find myself becoming MORE lonely.
Here is the nature of porn... It gives you what you want to
see, always and constantly, but never delivers the satisfaction that you need.
Like drug use, you bury yourself into the warm (if albeit fleeting
feeling) of the high and when you come down, you have even less than when you
started with.
I find myself lusting, endlessly, what what I can't have.
What I am NOT entitled to have.
(You can't argue with the creator of Game of Thrones, he might
kill another Stark if you do)
Six years on this site and I've never found the life partner I had
hoped and craved for.
I've met a few good friends. Interestingly enough, we bonded
over things that WEREN'T on Fetlife. We talked about knife making,
Origami, Food, Blogging, even Faith and Christianity (Yeah, there are at least
eight National Christian Forums on Fetlife. I am a member of all of them.
Or was...).
I've gone to hang out at several of the local "munches"
(A gathering of kinksters at a public location) and found that they were a lot
of fun conversations and hilarious anecdotes shared among friends.
But put that aside, and go back online, and I am barraged with
drama...
Someone doesn't like someone because he's had the same pick of his
penis up on his profile for months.
Someone doesn't like someone because they are monogamous, not
Poly, and therefore are "Morally Inferior".
The list goes on... It's a sense of elitism that grows in every
community.
The constant infighting on the forums, along with Loneliness that
perusing naked pics of women endlessly online provides, I'm choosing to step
out.
For me, it is not serving a purpose to connect me to like minded
people that say Facebook or even Blogger has. What I wanted was to find a
romantic sense of love, a friendly gathering sense of love, a camaraderie of
love.
What I got was the same feeling I get walking into a strip club.
Being the Master of Ceremonies, I know a lot of people. I know a
lot of strippers... Some, I don't know they are strippers until they
either show me or tell me. Most just tell me... But going on
Fetlife, its the same feeling.
If I want to truly be happy... I need to be enough for myself and
I can't keep pursuing (even in private) a rule of thought that leads me to lust
after what I cannot have. The net result is a growing depression that I
think will consume me.
So I've closed out my account. I'm going back on Facebook.
And I'm going to concentrate on more wholesome things.
Like spiders...
Music in my head:
Nothing says I love you like Anal Sex.
