Another year older

(Baby Bat pic circa 1995)

Here I am setting up another blog post from my "Ray Bradbury" wonderland apartment. This will be something of a free form blog post, I have no plan here other than just to put my thoughts down as I put my apartment back in order.  I've recently been forced to go on a cleaning spree of the the cluttered playground because the unit apparently needed to have all of the plugs changed and the wiring for the bathroom brought up to proper code. Why?  I don't know for certain, but apparently EVERY unit needed to be changed and mine was the last in the line of units in my area.  Now it's all downstairs from here. 

At any rate, not to feel to terribly embarrassed by the mess in my apartment, I quickly jumped to cleaning what needed to be cleaned. I've lived in this apartment for five years and one does tend to pile up a lot of papers and trinkets in that time. 

In one corner, a stack of old clothes I'll eventually "fit into" was translated into a donation to Value Village where someone else can fit into them.  In other, a collection of old loves notes promising "I'll never leave you for any reason..."  The net result of having my current girlfriend proved that statement to be a falsehood. Opening a manilla envelope and finding a series of pamphlets of information from Sexual Assault Support Services opened an old would I thought long since closed. 

All of it... ALL OF IT... In the garbage it went. 

I needed a good solid cleanse... 

Five years I've lived alone in this apartment.  Either paying for it via my Trade Act assistance, my unemployment via Trade Act, Student Loans, or Jobs in order to keep me in a place where I can stow my stuff and have a place to lay my head. 

It's an accomplishment I'm proud of. 

As I look around, I'm remarking on the collected trinkets of a forty year old man.  This year, this amazing 2015 year, I turn forty.  

I'm pondering slowly just what Forty means to me. 

When I was Eighteen, Forty seemed eons away from where I was.  At Eighteen, I was flying high on the idea that I wasn't going to rush off into college.  I was going to take a moment to find myself and who I was. 

In retrospect... I wish I hadn't... 

There are a lot of things I wished I hadn't done. 

I wished I hadn't rushed into marriage with a women who wasn't right for me. 

I wished I had carefully thought out my choice of future mate. 

I wished I had gotten my degree earlier. 

I wish... I wish a lot of things. 

People try to tell me that when you get to Forty, you're not supposed to have regrets. The weird thing I find is that more and more forty year olds I talk to, have a ton of regrets. By this time in our lives, we've lived to a point where we've experience so much.  We've also done so many dumb things. 

I wish I could say that by this point in my life, all the dumb things I've done were BEFORE there was such a thing as Youtube, or Facebook... But I can't... 

For example:

(Belly Dancing Circa 2008)

Well okay, I don't entirely regret it, because fact is that it was hilarious. 

I could fill a whole blog with four decades worth of silly regrets.  None quite as funny as me in a sheesha skirt and bikini top. 

What I'm finding in life and in particular this year is that I am growing too old... 

I'm too old to date for purely sexual attraction... 

I'm too old to put up with someones "Daddy Issues"... 

I'm too old to play "High School" games of popularity with people... 

I'm too old for drama... 

I'm just in general, too grown up to be the guy I was at 35. 

And yet... Here I am surrounded by a collection of toys. Transformers, Go-Bots, Roboforce... Some toy lines that unless you are a hardcore vintage collector like me, you won't probably even recognize. 

I'm not officially a hoarder until you can't see my floor anymore.  Until then, I'm just an avid fan of old vintage toys. 

I've been accused of being a big kid, being immature, being worthless for surrounding myself with plastic garbage when I a grown man should be concentrating on better. 

And then I look at a mans Firearm collection, or his fishing tackle collection, or even his football jersey collection, and I'm left to ask... What's the difference? 

(My vote is always for Slytherin for the Quidditch cup)

And after forty years, I do have A LOT of toys. 

Cleaning out this apartment has proven to be introspective.  I'm sorting through a lot of old garbage things and really and genuinely wondering, do I really need all of this? 

I'm realizing I'm rambling... 

Thank you for reading my mind droppings tonight. I hope someone got some joy out of it. 

Getting older, must mean I'm getting closer to God right?

Music in my head:

Knocking on Heavens Door (Cover) by Sisters of Mercy

http://youtu.be/nMgEe-xoMho

Every man needs a hobby...

They say that every man needs a hobby to keep the blues away.  One has to have ways to break up the day.  Now, if you know me as some do, you know that I have a million hobbies. 

Toy collecting:

Snakes and Bugs:

(FREE PET!!)

Origami:

And sharing it with my kiddo:

(Look at the haul we got at Replay Toys!)

Recently I've taken up a new hobby, but lets first talk about how I got there... 

Over the last few months, I haven't been really doing much.  I go to work in a place where I polish Truck Wheels and parts and I come home and sit and watch movies.  On occasion, when I get to see my Girlfriend, we go out and hang out with friends.  Small giggles and some good times but in between visits where she can afford to come down or I can arrange to come up, I don't do a whole lot at all. 

This fact alone bothers me... 

What do I do when it isn't movies or tv the catches my attention?  I turn my music spinning laptop into a $1500 Facebook and Youtube only machine, (Because that's all its good for). $1500 laptop that I spent about $350 bucks for (originally the funds were allocated for an engagement ring for a lady that would rather be schtooping a former best friend, this laptop has been for faithful quite obviously) is now after college being used as my personal entertainment device.  

I've gotten hopelessly addicted to Youtube Channels like Zombie Go Boom and the Slingshot Channel.

Now, these shows may appear as Puerile and Immature with grown men mashing things or blowing things up with household items. And that's why I love them!  We want to make something that makes something go smash because well... It's a guy thing! Not all guys dig it, not all guys have to, but there is a market for testosterone injected jockular fun. If Jackass: The Movie has taught us anything, that's it. 

So... Where does this lead me to my new hobby? Am I smashing things with hammers?  Well, sort of... 

You see, I saw on an older episode of Zombie Go Boom, a home made mace out of pipe and a trailer ball hitch.  I thought... I CAN MAKE THAT! 

(You know, because REASONS!)

And then I saw the Warhammer... And well...

(Again, because well REASONS!)

I should add, all photos are credited to Zombie Go Boom and you should watch and subscribe to their channel because well... It's just plain FUN!

I started going on a google search "How to make a mace", or "How to make a warhammer".  It's funny when you google "How To" videos that it brings you just about every possible how to make a weapon available.  Some, neat and attainable, some are just plain bizarre...  It's still fun to watch.

But I stumbled across a couple that really caught my eye and though... I can do that! 

Knife forging... 

I found several videos initially on how to forge a knife from a railroad spike. As seen Here: 

My first initial result does look pretty primitive. It reminds me of the Tommy Lee Jones and Guillermo Del Toro movie Hunted. In it, there is a spectacular knife duel between the two actors. 

In the movie, Guillermo Del Toro forges a knife out of a rail spike via a campfire, a rock, and a steel plate.  I figure if the process was that simple, I could do it too. 

I still struggled to figure out how to properly forge the bevels and grind out an edge.  But it is tempered well. It maintains an edge... Sort of. 

My second attempt was inspired by a very easy home made tutorial on how to do a home made knife from a file HERE: 

Initial result, easier to remove steel from a softened file than it is forge out a giant piece of steel like a rail spike.  I got a lot better about scribing out a center line and grinding out the bevels. 

The final product is here:

Rather than put scales on the sides, I opted for a wrap handle made from military grade boot strings. Those things are meant to never degrade.

This home made knife holds an edge PERFECTLY and even after heavy abuse is still shaving razor sharp.  Future efforts will include more recycled files.

My latest attempt, was to retry forging with another piece of recycled (what I thought was) stainless steel. 

In this attempt, I forged out the knife and bevels.  I drilled out the holes to add scales with recycled oak and brass pins. The net end result was a small but very sharp and functional piece.

It holds an edge but is not (to my regret) stainless.  It does rust when left with water on it. The scales however make it easy to hold and it maintains a perfect edge. 

My next attempt is going to be a Karambit knife. 

Not my image, that credit goes to Epic Fantasy and his youtube tutorials. 

This knife has a reputation for being a pretty brutal knife given the design. You can check out the Cold Steel video for how they perform HERE: 

That hooked bill can genuinely cut through a lot. And given it's reputation, can be quite deadly. 

I'll probably do an edit later as I come up with an image of the new Karambit knife I made. 

How do I make these knifes currently?  

Working at my Grandparents shop, I have access to a multitude of metal working tools.  I can cut, heat treat and forge, and smack out just about anything I want in that small little polish shop.  The wood stove proves to be a very effective forge and the large supply of pine firewood burns more than hot enough to bring metal beyond a cherry red color. 

The process, much like chainmail or origami, I am finding very zen.  To plan a new knife, draw out the design (in my head or on paper) and either smack it out with channel locks and hammer or grind it out with angle grinders.  

Throwing sparks is just plain fun either way. 

With each new forge or cut, I get better at the craft.  With each new attempt, the process of tempering the metal and heat treating it gets easier and better. The final product, still remains useful. 

I'd encourage anyone who is looking for something fun to try and they are blue with nothing to do, look up a "How To" video on Youtube.  For that matter, just do a random search of "How To" and just try it. 

For now, this is the Greaser Goth signing out.  Happy metal smacking!

Music in my head: 

Conan Theme composed by Basil Polidorios.

http://youtu.be/5ZY2mRG5mzg

How can you not want to forge steel destruction after hearing that?!

Afraid to live...

It is a fresh new year. Four days into the new year and I'm daring to do something new.  I'm trying to find a way to live. 

I keep saying this so that once it finally happens it probably won't hit me with the great shock that it's been, but I'll be Forty this year. Forty years old...  It wasn't that long ago I was planning to go out with friends and have a fun time News Years eve.  Now I stay home.  I'd plan fun Karaoke get togethers with groups of people so we could all laugh and smile.  Now I wallow in my apartment and live life through the blue and white screen of Facebook.  

I make long and drawn out posts inviting friends to comment with the hope that I have at least some human connection.  A few years back, I was surrounded by my best friends.  Every day was a coffee day surrounded by people who I loved and adored.  Every day was a joy over iced white mochas and homework.   Graduating college stripped me of all of it. 

Life after college graduation has proven a few things to me.  Education IS NOT the doorway to happiness that current politics, conservative rhetoric, or liberal hope seems to think it is.  I have an Associates degree... For an entry level position now, current employers require; At least five years ALREADY EARNED experience AND a Bachelors Degree for a position that just a few years earlier only required a high school diploma. 

College graduation and transitioning into adult life has shown me that, once again, grown up life sucks rocks... We work our lives away.  We work 50 hour work weeks now just to make ends meet, pay bills, and go home to watch TV. We communicate through Text, Snapchat, Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook.  But gone are the days of group laughter around a coffee table.  We don't have time for it. 

And people wonder why we have issues with depression?

Here's where I am resolving to change things.  

I'm stuck in this "talk about it on Facebook" or "talk about it on my Blog" life because I'm terrified and saddened by life.  I'm too scared to live without it.  I've spent now two and a half years living my life by typing it out on Facebook or Blogging about it.  Sure, it has indeed offered me some small measure of "therapy".  It's also I think alienated a lot of people from wanting to talk with me in real life. 

I want that to end. I want to live a real life. 

What that looks like, I'm still figuring it out. 

I know it has to be the opposite of what I've been doing. 

I wake up, check Facebook, go to work, check Facebook, go to work, check e-mail (fear the possible E-mail from one of three toxic ex-girlfriends), check Facebook, Shower from a days labor, go home, spend the night on Facebook. 

I am not interacting with people... I am interacting with a white screen like some strange Videodrome mess. 

I'm making it a point to make a key change in my life.  I'm going to live in a human world, a world where I interact with flesh and blood people.  Not through my phone, but face to face. I'm going to stop fearing leaving these four walls. 

Why am I afraid?  I'm afraid of running into "the toxic ex". 

I'm afraid of running into the abusive ex. 

I'm afraid of running into the abusive exes parents. 

I'm afraid of going out somewhere new alone and not being able to talk to someone. 

For a guy who can sing and speak and crack jokes through a microphone, there is a patent Irony to this. 

(I can does ALLL the Imrov!)

I don't want to be afraid anymore.  I don't want to care what anyone thinks of me.  

If I am apply the Improv principle here, I need to:

Embrace that I am a fat Goth boy in leathers, and that not everyone gets that. 

Embrace the fact that I am often socially awkward when I don't have a microphone. 

Use the fear that I have of facing life and springboard from it. 

And take the Yes/And approach.  YES, I am stepping out into the world AND I will roll with whatever happens. 

So tomorrow, is a new work day.  A new day to make things fun.  In the background I hear my old ComedySportz referee with his wistle; "Alright Bill, your scene is; You just woke up and are about to to go to work polishing wheels. FREEZE! Do it with Kung Fu Overdub!" 

Let's see how it goes. 

No fear, no regrets, LIVE. 

Music in my head:

Are you Ready (On your own) by Distant Cousins

http://youtu.be/4YLEaRPffEg

If you are familiar with the film "This is where I leave you", this is an amazing climatic song of facing fear despite tragedy.  

I'm making this my mantra and my theme song for 2015.